Poppy Books: I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too (Mitch Hedberg 1968-2005)

That was the year when I listened to the Wu-Tang Clan and nothing else. I was also taking a lot of Ecstasy. I saw my own life mirrored in the Wu-Tang Clan’s outlook, and the countless individual members were different facets of my own personality. Sometimes, if I had my high on, I could be the whole line-up, but most of the time I would switch between one, or a variation of combinations, of the different members. Method Man was smooth and a hit with the ladies. ODB was sometimes less so, depending on the girl, but good fun when taking some beers with the homies. Raekwon The Chef, well, he really came into his own in the kitchen, making toasted sandwiches at night when I had the munchies. Ghostface was like a Hawk hovering over its unsuspecting prey, until he decided to zoom in for the perfect kill. RZA had outstanding organizational qualities, and The Genius? Well, he was just that.

Sometimes, and this happened mostly when I took Ecstasy after drinking too much beforehand, the members would appear in the wrong order, or at the wrong occasion, or, failing that, not even turn up at all. It would be the middle of the night and ODB would suddenly appear in the kitchen in full flow, now in charge of making food. Or if I brought a girl back, Meth wouldn’t feel like turning up, which was typical of actual Wu gigs. Or ODB had been drinking too much before having to go on stage. I had never managed a band before, and, truth be told, I was losing control of them. The stars, the cracks in the pavement, the CIA, the pyramids, the tap water, the construction of a Big Mac burger, everything seemed to be connected. I had begun to view the entire world as a conspiracy, and I had been chosen by the ancient monks of Shaolin to unravel it by immersing myself in the Wu-Tang philosophy. When the latest Wu spin off cell, Kill Army, released their debut, 'Wake Up,' the Incredible Hulk piano endtro that it was built on instantly transported me back to when I had been a young boy, watching the Incredible Hulk for the first time.

I now knew that this was my destiny, that long before the band had even formed, before rap music was even called rap music, that me being the lone white member of the Wu Tang Clan was meant to be.